I was feeling a bit parched and run down. I thought to myself, “Aha! I know what would do the trick. Iced coffee.” Before I stood up to walk to the frig, I saw a memory on good ole’ Facebook (I have a love/hate relationship with FB. Sometimes, wish it didn’t exist.) and it was from a friend who dedicated her book to me (I will give her credit. She’s a great writer). We haven’t talked in a while. I thought it was one of those times where we went and did our own thing and eventually come back together like nothing happened. I decided to screenshot it and send it to her. As I got up to begin walking to grab my delicious drink, she ‘thumbs up’ it. I knew immediately something was wrong. We could read each other’s emotions through text.

So, the funny thing that happened on the way to the kitchen was that a 25-year friendship crumbled. My favorite thing about it is that I didn’t even know. Great, right? A person that I loved, respected, and was honored to have in my life went POOF! Disappeared like the final act of a shitty magic show. I’m not going to get into specifics. It’s not worth it to me. But what is worth it is to get shit off of my chest, so the pressure is released and I don’t have to think about it 24/7 wondering what I did wrong and what kind of person I am. It popped into my head as I was trying to fall asleep last night, and it wouldn’t stop. Just kept swirling around and around making my weak mind dizzy. It most likely slid into my brain because I was trying not to think about the other things that have happened this month. This was the grand finale of a fucked-up month.

By the time I found out the friendship was dead she had already “grieved” it. Thanks for the heads up. You would think it would be something she would bring up to me.

Days have passed now and since then there has been A LOT of reflection on my part and conversations with other people. I didn’t realize it as it was happening, but we were growing apart for a while now. Sad to think about it. Maybe there was something that could have stopped it. Maybe it was time for us to part ways. People come into your life when they are supposed to and people leave when they are supposed to, too.

Assumption: a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.

There are a lot of those flying around here from both sides and do you know how to catch them? Conversation. Theres been a lack of that. None actually. Well, if you count me blabbing trying to get answers and me receiving a sentence back a conversation then we conversed a lot. I believe that the social media giant that I mentioned above had a lot to do with our demise. Granted, it was falling apart before any of this. I reposted about what I thought about a certain situation. My choice, right? It is also my choice what I don’t. It doesn’t mean that I feel a certain way about the other viewpoint in the situation. It means I felt very strongly in the post I saw and reposted it. No one on this earth knows how I feel or my stances on issues completely because I normally keep my trap shut and feel no need to state my opinion, debate, argue, or explain the way I feel. I can’t help people who make assumptions on how I feel and my opinions. So, if you want to do that, you do you, boo boo.

I think what hurt the most was the lack of response. I don’t know why it did. But it felt like a dagger through the heart, having a kidney stone, stepping on a pile of Legos, a papercut in the middle of your fingers, or that tiny pinch my dad used to do that the pain hung around for what felt like forever. Not to mention my blood pressure rising into outer space chillin’ on Neptune for a bit and coming back down.

The sad thing is last night as I rolled around trying to get this shit out of my mind I had a thought. I may get married one day or I may have a kid one way or another. Something really special will happen in my life and my first instinct will be to text/call her and I can’t. She and her family won’t be a part of it.

It’s funny how one thing/person can have you questioning everything. Every relationship, every choice, every aspect of yourself (Boy, have I been beating myself up), every opinion, every repost you make.

I’m almost emotionally through it (I’m lying a little). I can see peace in the distance within my reach. Soon the ache will leave. I’m being a little dramatic but like I said January has been shit.

I’m done rambling and I know my thoughts have been all over the place, but it was nice getting some things out. I blog here and there. Maybe I should stick to it this time. We’ll see.

In case anyone was wondering, I didn’t drink that delicious glass of iced coffee until 3 days later.